This year I realized that life was long and wide and most of all unfinished.
I realized that knowing something is wrong with you and loudly talking about it does not make it go away, or somehow discount it.
Karma may be real.
Talent and inclination is not enough. You have to work for what you love. You have to fight, every day, for what you love, for what you want.
I learned that being a good friend is complicated, and a sacrifice, and worth living through.
I learned that people loving you is not something to take lightly, ever.
I learned that I really must get over fear of hurting people's feelings, shocking them, being unlovable or doing something wrong.
I learned that I, too, judge people.
I am not always in love. Love is not always the same.
I am changing, as I type.
I can be angry and sullen. I should let myself be angry and sullen.
Complaining is a useless exercise.
I learned that it's time to start figuring out what I want to do and make and think and be.
I want my next relationship to interrupt me. I really do want that. And I want instant spark over muted accumulated fondness.
I want everyone I love and respect to know I love and respect them. Vice versa.
I love validation. Learned I don't need it externally all the time, but it's hard to live without.
I made a list of the kind of work I want to make.
I worried about money.
I acted like a baby with you. I assumed with you. I did not work as hard as I could have for you. I did not always know what to say to you.
I did not, as planned, go to yoga every day.
I did drugs I thought I would never do.
I listened to new music.
I played guitar.
I sang.
I had a few sparkling adventures.
I made a few good stories. Told them again, later, exaggerated.
I wrote.
I watched Arrested Development and Skins, all the way through, each.
I made new friends.
I was in shows!
I was busy.
I walked like a zombie through some things.
I talked a lot. I learned to be more articulate.
I wished for things to change and erupt.
I realized I actually got a lot of what I wanted before. What's changed is what I want now.